Too-long post warning...I lost my dad to covid a year ago yesterday. I keep hearing that time heals these things and that it will get better, but it isn't. Maybe a year isn't enough. Maybe we were too close. Maybe it's like this for everyone first time they go through a really close loss and I'm just soft...I dunno. Dad is normally the person I'd ask these questions to.

My dad was my hero. My biological dad divorced my mom when I was 3 and my mom married my dad when I was 5. Even though I was young, I remember how hard those 2 years as a single-parent family were on me but especially on mom. Dad came along and changed all that. We had an amazing childhood that most kids would dream of with sports, friends, cool camping trips, parents who spent time with us and never for a day did I wonder if they loved me. Dad taught me to play baseball and fish and golf and then went from being dad to becoming my best friend in college and we played golf 4-5 days a week together for my last 3 years in school. He supported us in adulthood and helped us move, came down to stay with the kids anytime they were sick so that we didn't have to miss work, etc.. He always gave wisdom and advice anytime we asked. We spent every holiday and birthday together as a family. I talked to him almost every day on the phone for at least a couple minutes about golf or fishing or baseball or life or kids. And if it's possible, he was an even better grandpa to my kids than he was a dad to us. He played with them endlessly and loved spending time with them.

And this past year has been borderline unbearable. I know I should be focusing on the blessings and I do, but every time I see something that I think "I should tell dad about that", it hits me again that I can't tell dad about that anymore. Every time I see a grandpa walking with his grandkids, it breaks my heart that he's not going to be around to see my kids grow up or graduate high school. They're never going to understand and remember him the way I do, and they basically don't have a grandpa anymore (my FIL isn't much into being around kids). He never got to see the place we bought out in the country or sit on the front porch with us and watch the kids play on the land. He can't come over and do wood working projects. He'll never ride to the lake with me again with the smell of his black coffee in my face as we take off on plane first thing in the morning. I'll never get to tee it up with him and spend 4 hours walking the course together again. We'll never get to watch the Masters or the World Series or Super Bowl together again. I played golf today and shot even par for the first time in my life and of course the only person I really wanted to tell is the one person I couldn't.

Maybe there isn't any advice for this and maybe I just needed to vent, but this pain and heartbreak is like nothing I've ever dealt with before. I just want to wake up from this awful dream and find out the nightmare wasn't real...but I know it is. I'm going to see his gravesite for the first time on Sunday (he didn't want a funeral and I didn't really want to go visit the site, but I'm going to make the trip anyway). I guess the question is how long I have to wait before it's not like this anymore and is there any shortcut to get there?

The first year is the most painful.

Just know, he had instilled all of his teachings in you. He would have not left if he was worried you hadn't.

May the Lord bless your pain. He feels it!!! Remember the shortest verse in the bible? Jesus wept. (Over Lazarus)

There’s No Such Thing as ‘Closure’
I’ll be honest…I hate the world ‘closure’…especially in the context of grief.
Closure is just a rush to end grief…it insinuates that you can just leave your grief behind and put it in the past. It’s a way for people around you to tell you to ‘move on’…inviting you to deny or ignore your grief entirely.
The unrealistic goal of closure, is not only impossible…but undesirable. If you detach yourself from your loss, then you close the door on the pain. You also cut off your connection to the one you love.
There’s nothing wrong with you…it’s the goal of closure that’s wrong. You don’t get over grief by just sweeping it under the rug. Just as love goes on…so too does grief.
The only people that believe in the power of closure are those that have never lost a piece of their heart. They think just because the funeral is over and the body’s been laid to rest…it’s all over. But this is actually when the mourning begins.
If you think you’ll never find joy again…it’s because you continue to think of grief and joy as two separate emotions. Two places that you can’t be in at the same time.
Not true!
Here’s the thing…you don’t have to leave your place of grief and the one you love behind to go to a place of joy. These two places can be integrated into your life as you move forward. Life is full of good and bad times…and these all become part of the journey.
Mingled together moments of grief and joy.
Society tells you if you aren’t happy all the time then you must be doing something wrong…or life is just one big horrible experience. But no life is lived without some grief.
When you mourn the loss of someone you love…taking your grief from the inside to the outside…you’re working toward healing. You’re moving and changing…and integrating the loss into your life.
There’s no such thing as closure…you don’t leave your loved one behind and move on. Being told it’s all over…doesn’t mean it is…your grief and love go with you.
You’ll learn to weave grief and joy together into your life again…and just like the sun rises every day…you’ll one day notice you’re healing…and you’ll realize the sun has already been rising for some time.
Gary Sturgis - “Surviving Grief”

Praying for you , sir . I can still see my Dad's face as he was dying from Parkinson's . (Parkinson's sucks.)

I strive to be that dad you're describing. I didn't have that guy & hope to change that with my girls.

My heart hurts for you. I've never experienced that kind of loss so I can't say for certain but I don't think we EVER get over the loss, we just learn to get by each day.

Not for sure if it'll ever go away....time will help the pain, though. You got to feel the love and nurturing that most folks just long for but never experience. Every week, I still think about picking up the phone and sharing my life with my dad, but he's been gone since Feb 2019. Your Dad taught you the finest things in life and left a great legacy, and it will reflect in how you provide the love and nurturing with your own children. I know you're very thankful of that, Brad. Hang in there, bro....

My dad was my living example of what it takes to be a good husband, father and grandfather. He's been gone for just over 20 years now and I still miss him.

patriot07, the loss will get easier from year to year, but it will never really go away.

Never gets easier. Just gets farther away.

^ Pretty solid explanation.

Lost mine 46 yrs ago, still miss him.

I still miss my father, he has been gone for 35 years. Every time I head to the lake, I think about him. There is one spot on Big Cypress Bayou that he loved to tie up and catfish. Some days I just go there and visit with him, seem to always catch a few.
It does get easier, but then it will sneak up on you and will seem like it was yesterday.

It took me about 8 years to get over the passing of my dad mostly because I avoided processing his death and the cause(s) of his death. One weekend, I randomly drove 3 hours to his grave and settled it. This picture was taken from another family member that did the same thing. All of us did at different times. It does get easier. It just takes a while.

It helps knowing my dad is in the loving hands of our father. I'll see him again.

My Dad passed in 1992. I still miss him today. But I'm kinda glad he isn't here to see the BS going on in the country he fought for.