Ex wife story...
Few years back baby on the way and yours truly doesn�t have the greatest job at the time .So were job hunting and what not . One of them online says I have to print the app off the internet fill it out and bring it in.
No biggie click print out it comes. She grabs the paper ink still wet on the paper and starts squinting and bringing it back and forth from her face . Finally I said what the hell are you doing . The following conversation took place :
Her: look at it
Me : what ? What�s wrong ?
Her : is it clear enough ?
Me : WHAT ?!?!
Her : IS IT CLEAR ENOUGH ?!?
me: is what clear enough ?
Her : at the bottom of the app it says please print clearly right next to the signature line!!!

Me and her own mother literally can�t breathe cuz we are rolling on the floor laughing our asses off.
Silly blondes

Sitting at the table this morning eating breakfast with the neighbor's kids, we take them to school. 8th grade boy and sophomore girl. Boy asks me if we really have a teacher at the high school that is aetheist, and I just kinda looked at him for a few seconds. Girl immediately stiffens up says, "she's not aetheist, she's just a democrat." I died laughing, not because democrat and aetheist are funny, but they're totally different subject matters. My wife asked me, why is that so funny. Wow...

I had a bird dog name Lucky one time I bought a shock collar to use I paid 350$ roughly for when my wife seen how much it cost she said you have never bought me a necklace that cost that much ,I told her that I don't think Lucky would mind if she wore it. Thats when I got the evil eyes. lol

Played a round of golf in Colorado many years ago, and there were geese all over the course.
I'm about to tee off, and notice about 5 geese in the middle of the fairway, about 75 yards out.
And of course, I hit a terrible tee shot. It was one of those worm burners, and nailed that poor goose broadside.
It jumped, let out a honk, lost a few feathers, but otherwise seemed ok. So I get home after the round, and my wife asks me
how it went. I said "It was alright... I sucked as usual". She said "Sorry to hear that".
I said "But I did hit a goose!" Her reply was "Is that good?"

Wouldn't that be hitting a hole in one, and adjusted for your handicap?

As far as my wife is concerned... YES!

In our early years of marriage, we were grocery shopping & my wife picked up a pineapple & said something about a pineapple tree. She actually believed they grew on trees. Now when I bring that up, she just about stares a hole through me.

When me and my wife first started dating she brought a yellow meat watermelon over to the house.

When I would buy a melon it was always a yellow meat one because that's what I thought she liked.

Fast forward about 8 yrs later and we are eating our 100th something yellow melon. She says can we get a red melon sometime?

She had been buying yellow meat because she thought I liked them and I had been buying them because I thought she liked them.

Come to find out neither of us had a preference.

My bride of 42 years and I were at the Masters couple of years ago. Saturday morning we are standing by #1 tee to watch the first few groups go off. Bubba Watson is first to play because he was last to make the cut.
Wife says "Wow, Bubba must be doing great, he gets to go first".

Later in the day she asks, "If 2 over on a hole is a double bogey, why isn't 2 under on a hole a double birdie".

I love this woman.

My wife literally once burned water on the stove, the end

My mother, RIP, was out here at our house and we were sitting around watching baseball. Randy Johnson was pitching and the announcers were referring to him repeatedly by his nickname, the big unit. My mom sheepishly asks "why do they call him that?" And i said "call him what?" She replied "the big eunuch, why?"

My late mother in law had never eaten a sausage wrap (sausage link in a flour tortilla) until I introduced her them especially served with Grey Poupon. One evening as the whole family gathered at her house for a BBQ she announced that we were be having �reach arounds� for dinner �if you want one come in the kitchen�. You could have heard a pin drop until I burst out laughing. Then she figured out her mistake and busted up, too.
Afterwards for her remaining years she�d drop that story just to see us all blush and laugh.

True: wife takes my two month old car out for the first time. Less than 2 minutes later she calls me to say my car has a cool feature: "your car beeps at you if the car in front of you goes and you don't"! I told her I had no idea it would do that because I don't consider a red light means time to check your phone.

Not the ex wife but her sister.

Its Christmas. She calls our house asking when we are coming over. I tell her, "we are outside right now". I hear her set the phone down. She comes back and says " I don't see you". I say " we will be inside in about a minute". She waits by the door. We lived about 15 minutes away. She says "what took you so long". I say "where did you call". I don't think she ever got it. This was before cell phones.