A face only a mother could love.
That thing's crookeder than a dogs hind leg.
Longer than a country mile.
That a$$ looks like two bulldogs fightin in a bag.
Hotter than Haidees kitchen.

"Higher than a kite"

"As useful as a bump on a log"

"Dumb as a stump"

"Smart as a whip"

When my dad needed to use the bathroom he'd say "I Gotta go see a man about a horse"...

Women monthly talk.... "Aunt Flo's in town" or "I'm riding the Cotton pony"

"So hard a cat can't scratch it"

"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

" hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."

"slicker than owl s**t."

If something is hard to do....it's "like trying to herd cats."

"He ran like his feet was on fire and his a** was catchin."

"Busier than a cat covering s**t on a marble floor."

"Looks like they fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."

"S**t through a screen door"

"Queerer than a 3 dollar bill"

When I caused mischief (which clearly was almost never) the lady that birthed me would threaten to rip my arm off and beat me with the bloody end.

Y'all come and dip. (My old timey Grandma used to say this-meaning to come serve your food from the pots and pans on the stove)

Never heard this one but I absolutely love it! I'd like to steal that and start using it with the grandkids if you approve.

When my grandma said come and dip, she would hand you a spoon and a jar of garret snuff.

My dad told me this one when I was a youngin, some reason it stuck, he said " son tie good knots, keep your line tight,", and the best, if your [censored] up at home, your gonna be [censored] up on the water, don't be [censored] up on the water, it'll only pizza you off"

Everybody's crow is the blackest
Nervous as a whore in church
shining like a diamond in a goat's azz

i'm so hungry, every time i swaller my stomach sez thank ya

"If if's and but's were candy & nuts, oh what a party we'd have!"

Can you spot the critter
I can't copy and paste

She's so fat that when someone tells her to haul AZZ she has to make two trips.

Two wrongs don't make a right

Shakin' like a dog S'n a peach seed

Screamin' like a man on the wrong train

Guilty pig squeals first

Spit on those new shoes

It's so cold, the snot's running faster than you can lick it.

You don't have the brains of pi$$ ant

Grandma was from Kentucky and had a saying about burying them.
You give them an enema and bury them in a match box.