Daughter in Law Issues

How many of you have gone thru mother in law vs daughter in law issues?

Too much drama around here. My sister’s daughter in law is a bona fide nutcase. She has denied access to the two grand babies for the last year. The two live four miles apart in this tiny town of 15,000. I have seen my great nieces twice this last year. I will not go to Christmas or Thanksgiving.

Ministers, counselors, lawyers...way, way too much drama.

For those who have been thru this...how did it resolve itself.

People are hateful and full of themselves. Good luck finding a solution.

I can't help with this. I have the greatest DIL in the world!!!

Those two girls are major factors in my decision to retire here. Now I don’t even see them.

Go speak with your heart laid bare to the psycho one. Shed some tears. Throw yourself at her feet and grovel. Tell us how it goes.

I'm dead serious about this.

We had it with an ex DIL-
Divorce happened so we do t have to deal with her anymore-
But as much as my wife tried she knew she held the cards (grandkids)
Been many many years and the wife is on better terms with her now.
Pretty sure I will never be-
And it’s probably best-

Is the son still involved with the daughter in law? What is his position in all this?

My sister has shed so many tears. She is the only immediate family I have left. I’m a bit protective...it would not end well for me to be around the DIL.

Yes. He is trying to keep marriage together for sake of daughters. He is totally lacking a pair.

Nothing stronger (good or bad) than family. Tough situation.

I guess I'm a bit baffled here. As long as my life wasn't in danger, I could put up with any level of a crazy for a few hours to see my grandkids. Just nod and smile, who cares? I would do what I had to do to make the relationship right for the sake of the grandkids. They are only little once.

And there it is. She has the power as long as he foolishly thinks there is a chance, or thinks it is best for the children. The girls probably know the parents aren't happy and that toxicity can seep into them.
You can't MAKE him divorce her but try to convince him. And have him fight for as much custody as possible, that's when her true colors will really show themselves.
It will get ugly, probably very ugly before it can get any better.
And also remember that in most States Grandparents don't have any legal rights or say so in these matters, just emotional attachments. .

I was in a fellowship for many years and one of the areas we talked a lot about were personal relationship problems

I listened to literally hundreds of hours of people discussing candidly and honestly their relationship issues

I can tell you categorically, the most problematic relationships, bar none, were mother-daughter relationships. Rancorous, hostile, vengeful doesn’t even begin to describe the types of stuff I heard from the combatants.

Some of these relationships would eventually reach a tenuous ceasefire but others never healed

My sister will do that. The issue is the irrational hatred DIL has for Sis.

She is the one who prevents family from seeing girls. She holds anger over minor issues that happened 15 years ago. Has panic attacks...

Here’s a simple example: Sis comments...” That’s a beautiful outfit. Where did you get it?”

That simple...commonplace question is taken as Sis suggesting she spends too much money on clothes.

Crazy...

Being around her is like having a claymore facing you at the dinner table.

I am not sure what he has done, but their are girls whom you cannot please no matter what and you just don’t get a choice.

These are tough situations and most of the time if it ever does get fixed it’s usually time that does it and a close mouth on both sides to let it heal.

I had a ex that nothing could be done. We never did fix it no matter what I tried. I just had to wait till the boys were 18 they were standing in Wyoming within a few weeks of turning 18 and we now have great relationships. The last 15 years have been great. I remember my daughter-in-law saying after one trip,to my oldest son that I was nothing like everyone said.

My oldest sons ex wife was like that I am so glad she is gone and that they didn’t have any kids. I can only say I will say a prayer terrible place to be in

I just want my family to end the drama...and move on. Holidays are tough. We cannot control a crazy person..so why try. Move on.

Man that is tough. Blended families, divorce, custody battles, all that stuff that gets kids in the middle of pissin matches is so very sad.

Do what is best for the kids is all I got. Most families and since most of us have families has some kids they love getting pissed on by some selfish adult.

i just cant imagine , I married into a great family and my parents adore my wife

That's why I like to be the crazy one.

No DILs, just SILS they are pretty good guys. But I had a sister in law that was a nut case. She had a PHD in psychology which was appropriate. We call her psychobit**. She was terrible to our parents & caused a lot of heartache. Brother finally had enough & dumped her, but she alienated their daughter against him & he has had contact with her in years. Family discord is tough.

My family, albeit small, is/was highly dysfunctional. Holidays just became way too much to deal with, especially considering the distance we had to travel. Brother divorced twice and always drunk, sister just got divorced from the dweeb she’s been married to for 30+ years, I like being with my immediate family (kids/wife) in my own home for the holidays

I will second this. We have 4 daughters and there have been some really trying times. And cease fire is a very appropriate word to describe it. Thankfully the cease fire is holding up.

df, , this is a simple example of what we are dealing with:

A year ago, Sis was at charity auction. There was a beginner bike, with training wheels that was not being bid on. So, sis bought it. She told her son that she had gotten a bike for the youngest one. Nothing was said. He failed to tell his wife(insane person) about the bike.

Crazy DIL came unglued. Screaming..I am the mom....I get her her first bike. Heck...Sis didn’t care...they could have given the little one the bike. No one was trying to unsurp her position. That began the family cannot see the girls year.

Just tell the crazy lady how much money you have and you are prepared to cut them totally out of your will if they don’t start acting like family instead of the BS.

That message was conveyed months ago.

I told my nephew that if you cannot treat us like family...you will not be treated like family.

You can't fix crazy.

That’s what I keep telling my sister. DILs minister asked sis to write a letter of apology to crazy DIL.

I told her not to do it...she will just file it away then use it against her if it comes to litigation.

I too have a great DIL who is raising 3 of my grandkids and doing a fine job.

This, and you can’t make mommy a good mother

What a bizarre conversation to have. I've no doubt the DIL is crazy, but a bunch of the things you've said in the thread don't seem like they'd help the volatile situation at all. I've had a few tough situations with family in past (Some may recall the great hunting debacle of 2018). Every single one of them was resolved with polite adult conversation, a big dose of humble, and my own conscious choice to think the best of someone and just forgive and move on.

What other options you have? You can wait it out, see if time heals the wounds, all the while it'll eat you up inside. You could try the approach I mentioned, not much to lose there, maybe some pride, but who cares if you know you have the high ground. Otherwise, you make this an ideological hill to die on, and the kids pay the price.

I understand it's a tough situation. I do wish you the best, and hope some way some how you are able to thaw things out and get back into the kid's lives.

Hey PH, you are invited to come down to Huntsville for Thanksgiving. No family drama, guaranteed. You can help me find my next boat!

I was listening to a radio call in show once where the host would field personal issue questions

One caller was complaining that whenever her MIL came over, she was always making suggestions/criticisms about the house, cooking, children, etc. and it irritated the DIL to no end. The host offered some indifferent advice and the call ended.

The host, who was a woman, said after the call, “I never get these kind of calls from men. Men who don’t get along with other men, whether it’s family or friends, just learn to deal with it and move on. Woman on the other hand, tend to hold onto these grudges, and worse yet, will deliberately sabotage attempts to remedy things unless the outcome is in their favor.”

The mind of a woman is a baffling thing

Sounds like a Dr. Laura kinda retort.

Preach on brother!

You nailed it, it was her!

This really is not about me. My sister is the target of her DIL’s vitriol. If I don’t see the girls that would be bad but I will get by. My sister, otoh, is being eaten alive. She loves those babies so much. To be honest, I don’t understand why kind of evil lives in the heart of someone who will, for spite, without grandparents affection from their own kids. Crazy DIL has only minor issues with me. I own guns, have big dogs and don’t like socialist democrats. It is her animus toward my sister that is the problem.

I have 2 ex- d-n-laws. me and the wife have been playing the play-along to get-along game for a few years now. It gets tiresome. But to be part of our grand children's lives it is what we have to do. 95% of the drama has nothing to do with us. and 100% of it is grownups being spiteful A-holes. My prayer is that when my gkids turn 18 I can tell them both to go eff themselves and never have a thing to do with them again.

I like your style

What does the son have to say about this, other than him not seemingly having the stones? Its really up to him to facilitate/mediate things.

My mom and wife aren't the greatest of buddies. Its cordial, but my mom is a strong personality and is used to having her echo chamber of friends never disagree or have any confrontation. My wife, on the other hand, has a strong personality herself and any move by the MIL was initially met with resistance. I've had to have hard conversations with both my mom and wife (separately) as well as some advice from a counselor to maintain the best relationship possible. It turns out that the Mother and daughter in law relationships are the most volatile out there.

Its easy for MILs to be overbearing and its easy for first time mothers (DIL) to feel super protective about their kiddos. What has helped is maintaining communication with everyone and having to swallow some pride here and there and forget about the past. That said, some people are crazy and are willing to go to extremes that can inflict long term damage.

Ultimately, getting my mom to understand that its best to avoid certain topics and watch her words carefully has helped. My wife is realizing that everything the MIL says isn't meant to be some dig or jab at her--she loves her grand kiddo and would love to see him 8 days a week. Nothing more nothing less. Things are as good as they have been in a long time, but it will take work to keep it together. We can't pick our inlaws so we must try to make things work the best for everyone. Luckily for me, both sides have been responsive and want the same goals.

Good luck.

All I got it try to introduce her to the Clintons. Maybe she will get suicided.
Lowest form of human is one who uses kids as weapons. I will never understand it.

“You can’t reason with unreasonable people”

I have been sucked into certain aspects of this situation and can understand the frustration involved. It’s hard to know when and where you can apply pressure. As soon as you go one way, it can unsettle things in other areas you never saw coming. After years of trying to figure out how to deal with my SIL, finally, I figured out the most heartless thing I could do was the best solution. In my case, I took my problem to a homeless shelter. I did it without blinking once I got my head straight. It was the best day of my life.

In your case, you really don’t have any recourse. You have to let the game come to you. Until the husband of said demon nuts up and does what needs to be done, there isn’t much you can do. It may or may not happen. For his sanity, and everyone else involved, I hope he can find his way. If he doesn’t, there will be nothing but regret and resentment as the years go on. If he does what needs to be done, it will be liberating.

I’m sorry you are in this situation and hope it gets resolved.

Correct...all I can do is be a shoulder to cry on for my sister.

Beyond that, I am staying outside the orbit of the crazy one. Niece is coming in from LA...They are planning a thanksgiving dinner. I will not be in attendance. Same for Christmas... I will, again, be absent. I know trying to keep my sharp tongue under control is not something of which I can be certain.

If they can work it out...great. My sister is convinced going along with her demands will somehow make matters better. I don’t buy it. I think if she gets what she wants...she will just change her demands. She is willfully inflicting pain. I don’t see that changing.