Nope . He didn't use Chapstick . Just used cow pie to keep grandma from kissin' him .

he's more f-----d than a chicken snake in a bush hog

Sometimes I get through listening before he gets through talking.

When speaking of a bad place to visit.... "Yeah, I spent four days there one night."

Sweating like a whore/hooker in church

Colder than a well digger's a$$

Colder than a buttfucker's dick in a snowman's a$$

Makes as much sense as a screen door on a submarine

As smart as bait

Happy as a pig in sh!t

____ would make coffee nervous

He couldn't find his a$$ with both hands and a map

Hotter than a two dollar pistol

Dumber than a second coat of paint

And if my aunt had balls, she'd be my uncle

Half a bubble off plumb

Couldn't scratch his arse without a fist full of fish hooks is all I have to add.

My grandfather used this one a lot:

A lazy man tries to carry all the wood in one load.

My dad's favorite:

I so confused I don't know if I've lost my horse or found a rope.

if my dog had a face like yours I'd shave his arse and teach him to walk backwards.

I can tell ya how you can lose fifty pounds of ugly fat...Cut off your head.

You look like the North end of a South bound opossum.

If brains was dynamite you wouldn't have enough to blow your nose.

If that boy had brains, He'd be dangerous.

Im happier than a 2 peckered puppy

That's slicker than snot on a glass doorknob!!

He's not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
That boy is a few eggs short of a dozen.
That woman would argue with a fence post and win.

The only opossum out in the country is a big o' possum.

Not my monkeys, not my circus

Slicker than deer guts on a door knob.

That fence line and those gates is where my give a chit starts and stops.

There is not two sides to the truth.

You either make dust or eat it.