Ok, I’ve had quite enough!

I just switched to SirriusXM. HAD ENOUGH of that hot mess. It’s 0Beer30.

Somebody tell me a joke I haven’t heard before.

Two penguins walk into a bar, and the bartender says "Waddle it be, boys?"

A blonde chick gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.

She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun, kicking a football.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she asks.

'Yes,' he replies.

'You can go and play with the other kids, you know,' she says.

'It's best I stay here,' he says.

'Why's that, sweetie?' asks the blonde..

The boy looks at her incredulously and says: "Because I'm the goal keeper !!!

What is the most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday? Forget it once.

It's funny because it's about kickball.

How did Hitler tie his shoesies? With little knotsies!

Why did Snoop Dogg need an umbrella?
Fo' Drizzle.

i hate mowing the lawn....

i wish it was emo so that it would cut itself

How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just Juan.

Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He
eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the
panda stands up to go, the manager shouts,

"Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay
for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the manager,

"Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for
panda:

"A tree dwelling placental mammal of Asian origin, characterized by
distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

What do you call a guy who constantly hangs around with musicians?

A drummer.

Damn! It may be time for me to retire!

The first three, in order -

A
A
A+

Great work fellas!

Now I will go crack that beer. After all, I got a great little gig today.

I’m grinning.

How many used car salesmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

I can't say for certain until I've spoken to the manager, but I
think you'll be very happy...

WHOOSH!

What was that?

Grin

Did you hear the joke about the roof?

Never mind, it's over your head!

Can’t believe I’ve never heard it before.

GroanGrin

A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains:
"Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.

She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing.

Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"

Fail, please try again.

Great old joke though.

I’m nodding my head as I type

A+

A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"
The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older.

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy, Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an "F" in sex."

Close, but I wanted a ‘joke’ I’ve never heard. I get it but it’s an inside joke.

No score, please try again.

Two men walked into a bar, but the third one ducked.

A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great...he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

This thread is an abomination

Fail. I want a joke I’ve never heard before.

Please try again.

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. His wife turned over and said, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
Her husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again. This time he whispered in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Four Men go golfing, the first man says that he will pick up the green fees and meet the rest of them at the first hole.
Down at the first hole one man speaks up and say's "My son is so rich and so successful, as a new home builder that he gave a friend a new home for free"

The second man, not to be out done said " My son is a multi line car dealer he is so rich and so successful that he gave a friend 2 Cadillac's for free"

The third man, said " My son is in the stock market, he is so rich that he supplied a friend of his a whole stock portfolio for free"

The forth man returns from paying the green fee's, and the first man said "We are talking about our boys how's yours doing?"

"Not so well I afraid, turns out he's gay. However, he must be good, his last three boyfriends gave him a house, 2 cars and a stock portfolio."

GroanGrin but heard it before.

Please try again.

EYEROLL

Please try again

Man goes to fish the river for the first time. He's on the east bank. doesn't catch anything. Lil ol woman on the other side is hauling in one after another. He goes back the next day decides he'll go to the other side and try his luck. Same deal he's catching nothing. Same lil ol woman is on the other side hauling them in left and right. So he decides to make his way over to see what her secret is. She proceeds to tell him each morning before she gets up, she raises the bed sheet. If her husbands manhood is laying on the left, she fishes on the left side of the river. If its on laying to right, she fishes on the right side of the river. So the guy trying to be funny ask "well what do you if its sticking straight up?" she winks at him and says "honey, I don't go fishing on those days."

I actually snorted.

A+

A father was walking his young son through the park when the boy notice two dogs engaged in sexual activity. The boy asked, “daddy what are they doing”? The dad promptly replied, “well son, they’re making puppies”…and the walk continued.

Unable to fall asleep that night, the boy wandered into dad and mom’s bedroom and they were engaged in sexual activity. “Mommy, daddy…what are you doing” yelled the boy. Mom says, “well son, we’re making you a brother or a sister” and the boy promptly replied, “flip mommy over daddy, I’d rather have a puppy”!

A three legged dog walks into a Saloon. The barkeep asks him

"What are you doing in these parts stranger?"

The dog replies "I'm lookin for the man that shot my Paw"

What do you call a Little Person Psychic who just committed a crime?

A Small Medium at Large

No

Ok

A+

No

Please try again

Ok. Dog joke!

A+

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

You heard about the insomniac agnostic dyslexic. He lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

A hillbilly in West Virginia gets a letter saying he needs to come to New York City, to a Legal firm, to sign some papers to receive an unexpected inheritance.
As he was leaving, his next door neighbor, an
elderly woman inquires as to where he is going.
He tells her, and she says, I have a son in NYC, and I haven't heard from him in a long time.
So, if you run into him, please ask him to call me. His name is John Dunn.
He assured her that he would.
After arriving in NYC, he took the subway downtown near to the Lawyers office he was to go to.
When coming up the stairs to ground level he noticed a large sign on the building across the street that said Dunn & Bradstreet.
So, he went into the building and up to the information desk and inquired, "You got a John here"?
The receptionist replied "Yes Sir", and pointing down the hallway, said "second door on the right."
So, the hillbilly goes there, and upon entering, notices that it's a Men's restroom.
There is a gentleman standing in front of one of the urinals, so he walks up to him and inquires, "Are you Dunn?"
The man replies, "Well, yeah"
And the hillbilly says "Call your Mother!"

Hmmm

B+

Old joke

Please try again

Not bad at all.

A

A woman looks out her window to see her new neighbors outside in their front yard.
It's an very hot day and the wife is mowing the front yard while the husband sits in the shade sipping his beer.
This infuriates the woman to see the man relaxing while his wife pushes the mower in the heat.
She decides to march over and give him a piece of her mind.
When she gets to him she screams at him "how can you live with yourself? You sit in the shade sipping your beer while your poor wife slaves behind the mower in the terrible heat! You should be HUNG!"
The man calmly takes a sip of his beer, wipes the froth from his upper lip, looks up at the woman and says:
"I am. That's why she mows the yard."

Saw it coming but never heard it before.

Very good. B+

I am. Would you like to mow the back?

Might work too.

My first car was a green Saab, it broke down on the way to prom. That's my Saab story.